Mrs Malaprop's Kidney

Mr Propermal goes home tomorrow. Such good news.

I survived swimming.

Seems to be a bit of a strange summer. Lovely and hot, but lots of people going through lots of stuff.

But then there are always lots of people and also lots of stuff.

As for me, every day that I am getting through without gibbering or shouting is a day to be proud of.

Why did I say I'd take 5 children swimming tomorrow though? That is masochism.

Weather still hot. Mr P's visit home went well but his temp is up and down again.

Busy day at home, lots of visitors, family and friends, boys on hols and stuff to sort out at college as well as here.

I'm still exhausted. Combination of partially cooking my brain on last weeks course, uncertainty and the dread with which any parent faces the long summer holidays.

Massive fry up for breakfast, the holidays start here.

Supremely self indulgent Sunday, just what the doctor ordered.

Had a most peculiar dream. Was being prepped for the operation, but was a bit disconcerted because I'd gone to the hospital to visit. Mr Propermal was a bit bamboozled too. The staff were most insistent that now was the best time to go ahead, and sure enough in typical dream logic a large group of people had arrived to support us.

As we were wheeled off on gurneys looking down a long corridor I could see them waiting in a waiting room waving cheerily. It seemed churlish to say that I thought I had only gone in to visit that day.

Weirdly I awoke before the transplant went ahead and then felt quite cheated. Tried desperately to go back to sleep and continue the dream, and even more strangely was partially successful. However when I woke again it was much harder to recall the details, but at least I didn't feel so frustrated.

Exhausted, but cheery.

Boys on holiday from today, missy miss has two more days next week.

Mr Propermal got a private room today, another good sign that he'll be home for good soon.

Still very stressed, but not nearly as miserable as last night.

Part of my improvement in mood came from finding some injera bread - Ethiopian flat bread at the store near college. So delicious.

Phoned Mr P just now and Mrs P and Mum were still there. Woo hoo - they hadn't been thrown out yet. Plus much better news, he is going home for the weekend after dialysis on Sat. The Clerkenwells are going to cook them a lovely supper. And it even looks hopeful that he might be home for good next week.

CT scan showed just a tiny bit of fluid remaining. So now it is time to build up and who knows, maybe back on track.

Shit shit shit shit

Very articulate.

Too pissed off for high f***ing literature.

Had a hard day on my course. Audio stuff. Not easy for a visual like me. Then off to the hospital to see Mr P. He was in much better form. Then the doctors round. At first reassuring. Although his temp was up a bit, doctor was saying the Himalayas of his ups and downs were at least more like the Cotwolds, and how he was feeling in himself was more important. CT scan for tomorrow. Definite possibility of home visit over the weekend, and maybe home next week.

Then of course I have to open my big mouth.

"What about the transplant?" I ask.

"When is the date you have pencilled in?"

"August 25"

"Better think of that as very light pencil, then. It is only a month away."

More in the vein of needing to be strong and on best form for the op, building up etc. Very sensible. Very bloody gutting. Kept a good face on for Mrs P and mum, but was numb really.

Back at home though, the loss of a PE kit at school, which of course is needed for tomorrow and burning myself whilst cooking was the last straw. Now I feel like shit. And the waiting continues - and I don't have to deal with dialysis, or with my beloved still in his hospital bed.

It must be Pimm's o'clock.

Well, yesterday on the phone Clerkenwell bitch from hell was telling me off for forgetting to write that Mr Propermal had been home for steak and chips on Saturday. He had a bounce on the new sofas but it was Mrs Propermal who christened them by falling asleep and waking up at 4 am Sunday morning. Mr Propermal had returned to hospital and had had a great night's sleep.

So there is that info recorded. Sorry Mrs Clerkenwell. Will try and keep up to speed. Actually we did laugh. We have to.

Another glorious hot day, but Mr P is still under the weather, temperature raised and spirits low.

Another good day for me though, I'm eating this video editing course, it's so cool; and so absorbing that I don't think about anything else the whole time I'm there. Bloody good thing too.

Started my Final Cut Pro course today. Bit challenging but fun. I do love the intuitive nature of Apple programmes. Mr Malaprop came and picked me up for which I was very grateful, the bus would have been a bit stinky.

Very warm today, delicious. Kids are outside on the street having a water fight. Bit of a bummer having to climb three flights of stairs to refill, but good exercise.

Mr Propermal very miserable. He has been such a brick, but I think he needs to allow himself to feel hugely frustrated and cross and sad. Oh for a magic wand.

Mr Propermal still in hospital so the H-J ward cinema was reactivated with a private screening of "The Constant Gardener". Great film.

Kids had a busy day, big one being the bouncer for the bouncy castle at the local street fair and doing his bit for the local community. Number 2 had a treasure hunt and water fight for a birthday party and daughter accompanied her dad on the trips to ferry us all here and there then enjoyed the fair. Glorious sunshine all day long.

Now the Sunday papers await.

Absolutely shattered today. Managed only a little shopping, the making of choc chip shortbread with middle son and the eating of trad fish supper.

Very clever of husband to catch the fish already battered.

Decided to face the chaos that is the younger two kids' room today.

Very, very brave of me given my rather fraught relationship with organising objects in space. And given the amount of objects in said space. And especially given my still rather highly strung general state of mind.

OK I've been trying to relax and breathe and eat well and all that stuff, but I can be a bit of a delicate petal psychologically and the last few weeks have been just a bit challenging. Thank god physically I am as tough as old boots.

So half the kids' room is done, eldest son's report came through the post and is phenomenal, the sun has been shining and it's Friday.

Mr Propermal had some more fluid taken off today and then was told to lie flat for four hours. This info I got from Mrs Propermal's mum who has been holding the fort while Mrs Propermal worked up country for a couple of days.

Mr Malaprop meanwhile did sports day ferrying and dealt with business admin. Life goes on.

Took the DVD of 'How to Steal a Million', 1966 film with Audrey Hepburn and Peter O'Toole in for Mr Propermal to watch today. I hadn't seen it either. Helped pass the time on dialysis. Both of us a bit down and frustrated by the delay today, trying not to worry each other. I'm deeply grateful for the support I'm getting, as I'm sure is he.

Had a very frustrating morning trying and generally failing to be efficient doing the housework. I am so not a natural. Try and con myself in all sorts of different ways to be at least neutral about it as I know it has to be done, but I just hate it so much. Seems like such a waste of time and energy.

OK obviously trying to fit five people's stuff in a small 2 bedroom flat doesn't make it any easier. Nor does the fact that I am a terminal hoarder. Still you'd think by my age I would have come to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as magic, there are no friendly cleaning fairies or pixies living under the stairs and even if I could afford state of the art storage solutions, the detritus of family life wouldn't necessarily be self filing. Don't get me started on the pile of paperwork waiting to be sorted. Aaaagh.

On a more positive note had a lovely visit from one of my cousins who has just been teaching in Pakistan. He had enjoyed a day at the Science museum. Filled us in on his time in Murree, he had last been there at the same school 25 years ago. We ate tomato and basil soup with basil from the window sill, and "daddy" burgers courtesy of Mr Malaprop.

Mr Propermal had had a good night's sleep when I spoke to him on the phone, and was feeling much better.

Ha ha I feel so naughty, yet I'm almost ashamed to admit why as it's going to sound SO lame.

Farting about instead of writing this I decided to finally check out the i-tunes store. Of course I succumbed. Bought 'Baby's On Fire', Brian Eno track with major nostalgia value and the Fatboy Slim video - 'Weapon of Choice'.

Tee hee hee, almost the best retail therapy ever. Could become a serious addiction. I'm already convincing myself that it is in fact an important opportunity to exercise my willpower. Just who am I kidding?

Mr Propermal was a bit down this morning, a rough night's sleep and fed up with being in hospital. He had a CT scan, but hadn't had dialysis since fri so was feeling pretty rough. I went in round 1pm - an advantage of saying "I am his donor" is that I can sneak in outside of official visiting hours. He didn't feel much like eating, but I did my bossy auntie routine and he did manage some ham salad. Poor thing nearly lost it again immediately afterwards, but held on to it through sheer effort of will.

Luckily shortly afterwards the porter came to take him down to the acute dialysis place, and although he had to wait a bit before he could be connected, by the time I left the machine was very craftily disposing of the excess urea and creatinine. So by now he should be feeling a bit better.

Just when I think I've come to terms with the delays and that I can face the world with equanimity I have a day like today when I feel really frustrated.

Met a friend for coffee, wandered along Portobello Rd and finally found some curtain fittings I'd been looking for then checked out the location of my Final Cut Pro course next week. The new curtains look great. Not a waste of a day.

It is infuriating accepting that things don't always happen to schedule - not just events but also our responses to them. Dealing with my control freakery has been an important if at times extremely uncomfortable part of this journey.

Reading Jonathan Miller's son's comments yesterday in the paper that his dad would shout in road rage "I'll rip your f-ing thyroid out!" and then add that he doubted they would know where it was has given me endless amusement. Possibly cos it seems very close to home. Patience just ain't me today.

Sunday lie in. Sunday papers. Lazy day. Bliss.

Central line wasn't running today so one tube journey and three buses later I made it to the hospital.

Mr Propermal was on much better form, the amoxycillin he started a few days ago seems to be doing the trick. Very heartening. He is eating well too. His ultrasound revealed a little bit of fluid but they decided not to take it out with a hypodermic as it was too close to the bowel.

Kids and Mr Malaprop went to middle son's school fair. Then luckily Mr Malaprop came to chauffeur me home from the hospital - I was public transported out.

Thank god for friends and family. My brain is still a bit fried and muddled, and my support from everyone has been great.

Today it has taken the form of Mr Malaprop completely reorganising number one son's room and dealing with the feeding and watering of small fry. Plus he found "Easy to Be Hard" from 'Hair' for me. Big son has helped on the computing front. Small son has provided a big big hug and amusement value, whilst daughter dearest was very good on her afterschool visit to the Science Museum with her friend. Still enjoy being able to walk to the museums even after all these years.

Anyway, as is obvious from tonight's tone I could witter for England - must be overtired. Driving everyone nuts going from broad take the p kiwi accent to an even worse cod "oopNorth" bizarre amalgam of Lancashire and Yorkshire. Blame my mother for the latter and her renditions of how her parents sounded.

Sanity saved by Mrs Propermal, who was able to sing me word perfectly down the phone "Super Heroes" from the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show". Been bugging me for days cos the intro reminds of the theme from 'The Incredible Hulk'.

Now I will admit to indulging in a bit of a cheese fest culturally recently, but 'Hulk' is the adolescent in the family's peccadillo. The joys of cable TV. He has taken to saying - "Back in '78.." and then collapsing in a mirthful heap; for to him it is just too funny that we were alive then. He views 'Hulk' as an archeological experience.

Off to see Mr Propermal tomorrow afternoon.

The two younger children have also been roundly praised at the parent teacher meetings, only concerns are handwriting. Felt a bit like a reactionary old fuddy duddy when even one of the teachers said "Oh well most written work is done on computers these days anyway."

Had to stop myself from sputtering. And yet here I am communicating via keyboard and how much do I love technology? Almost too much.

Mr Propermal had his drain removed today, and will have an ultrasound tomorrow to check for any further pockets of infection.

Mrs Propermal's mum arrived today from NZ. Long exhausting flight, and a business meeting tomorrow at 11am. Ouch.

I'm about to zombie out to '3000 miles to Graceland' on the tele; reminds me of a fantastic version of 'Blue Suede Shoes', delivered with great passion in Mandarin back in Chch in the '80's. Occasion - an equity exchange with performers from China at the Court Theatre. The cultural revolution was still vivid and had affected them hugely. Remember how grateful we were to have always been free.

Forget to appreciate it sometimes.

Went for a swim today instead of having an operation, quite ironic as it was Mr Propermal not being able to swim as well as all the other disadvantages of tubes etc that had convinced me to go ahead with the donation in the first place.

The freedom of moving in the water is such bliss. A bit down the line Mr Propermal will be enjoying that feeling again.

Mr Malaprop and I donned formal clothes tonight - as instructed by letter and text from number one son's school to attend the prize giving. Son looked so cool in his black jacket and shirt with chinos. He had been nominated for maths, music, geography and by his form tutor, but he is also flying in science, English, IT and Spanish. Delighted with him. So glad we chose the comprehensive option, not just for political reasons, but also for the joy of seeing kids from all backgrounds shining.

Mr Propermal had the donor and recipient who "took" our slot in the ward last night, and was able to magnanimously wish them well. Me too, hope all goes well for them.

It is very odd to think that had things gone to schedule, in less than 12 hours I would have only one kidney and would just be emerging from the anaesthetic. Mr Propermal would still be in theatre This delay has certainly tested my commitment.

Not to donating the kidney per se. But it has forced me to face my fears fully and I am scared. I remind myself that these days pain relief is pretty sophisticated, but I had rather glossed over the thought of just how rough I might feel as the remaining kidney adapts.  The donor who spent the night in the same ward as Mr P did look remarkably chipper as he was getting ready to leave, so I'm not that worried.

Then again my optimism has taken a bit of a beating lately. Why hasn't this stupid infection cleared up in time? The Zen approach just isn't cutting it tonight.

Still, got to take the rough with the smooth, and as my Mum would have said there is usually a reason for these things.

Did get a very heartening comment from my sister all the way away in the States saying that she is sure Mum is looking after me.  The good luck card from my NZ sister is waiting unopened - as instructed - til we go ahead.

Get well soon Mr Propermal.

Still a bit on the low side but the glorious temperatures are helping.

Despite my dislike of using cars in London, it has been rather nice to have been chauffeured around by Mr Malaprop over the last couple of days. It's not far by car to the hospital and when there's not much traffic it is much easier than by public transport. There go my green credentials.

Mr Propermal had to go down for his haemo dialysis whilst I was there today. Visitors can go too. He's right, the dialysis area is tardis like. Much bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside.

Very clever machine taking his blood out and cleaning it, but oh how wonderful it will be when it is no longer necessary

Feeling a bit bleak today.

"I suppose I have every right to be a bit stressed," I mumbled through tears in Mr Malaprop's arms.

"Yes you do," he replied.

Update this morning from Mrs Propermal, Mr Propermal had had a rough night and was feeling pretty down himself. Tummy uncomfortable and bit distended, off for ultrasound and still no firm idea as to why the infection is not responding as it should to treatment.

I just feel so frustrated because childishly I want to make it all better right now. Preferably by magic, with no drugs or invasive procedures.

All I can do is take some manuka honey in later today and try and stay optimistic. Plus try not to give myself too hard a time when the blues take over for a short while.

Still not smoking, it's nearly a week.

When I spoke to Mr Propermal today he sounded much perkier and is feeling much stronger. Getting around more easily and able to read again. He is still running a temperature on and off though.

Unfortunately the hospital couldn't do another CT scan yesterday as the machine wasn't working. He had had 3 hours dialysis so they decided not to take him to another hospital for the scan.

Meanwhile the Malaprops went to little Miss Malaprop's school fair. Glorious sunshine and shady trees, tasty barbeque and good time had by all.